Ang 5 Kabanata ng Pagdadalamhati

Ayon sa yumaong psychologist na si Elizabeth Kubler Ross, may lima raw stages ang grief o pagdadalamhati–denial, anger, bargaining, depression at acceptance. Sa mga sumusubaybay sa TV series na “Grey’s Anatomy,” natalakay at na-dramatize na ito sa isang episode kung saan namatay ang isang main character at kung paano dinaanan ng mga kaibigan niya ang mga nasabing stages. Nandyan yung dahil hindi nila matanggap na wala na ang kanilang kaibigan, dine-deny nila na patay na siya. Bino-block nila sa isip nila ang image na ang mahal nila sa buhay ay isa na lang malamig na bangkay. Iniisip nila na nagbakasyon lang siya, nag sabbatical leave, nagtago sa kuweba na parang ermitanyo.

Ang denial stage ay g-graduate ngayon sa anger stage o galit. Galit sa namatay (Pambihira, bakit mo kami iniwan?), sa sarili (Sana may nagawa ako para na-extend ang buhay nya), sa Diyos (It’s unfair! Ang daming masasamang tao, bakit siya pa na sobrang bait?). Pagkatapos ng galit ay darating naman ang stage ng bargaining o kumbaga sa negosyo ay pakikipagtawaran. “Mabuhay ka lang, hindi na ako mag-yo-yosi! God, let’s make a pact. Save my friend and I will be more charitable to others.” Ang bargaining stage ay mapapalitan ng depression o matinding kalungkutan. Parang wala ng kabuluhan ang lahat. Parang wala ng saysay pang ituloy ang buhay. Pagkatapos noon ay ang acceptance o pagtanggap sa katotohanang wala na talaga. Hindi na kailanman magbabalik ang pumanaw. Permanente na siyang wala, at kailangang ituloy ang daloy ng buhay.

Sabi ni Dr. Ross, kalimitan daw, napapagkamalan natin ang acceptance stage sa pakiramdam na “okay na” o all right” na lahat. Hindi pa raw ito ang acceptance. Pero ito raw ay nahahanap. “Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one.,” paliwanag naman ni David Kessler, isa ring psychologist.  Gaano katagal bago marating ang acceptance stage at tuluyang mag move on? Depende raw yan kung gaano mo ka close at pinahalagahan ang namatay. Maaring ito ay araw lang, o linggo, o buwan o taon. May mga taong hindi na nakakarating sa acceptance stage at sumusunod na rin sa namayapa doon sa kabilang buhay.

Ang nasabing limang stages ng grieving ay hindi lang applicable sa taong namatayan. Pwede rin ito sa mag-asawang naghiwalay, mag syotang nag-break-up, magkaibigang nagsaulian na ng kandila,  magulang na isinumpa at pinalayas ang anak, at marami pang iba.

Tatlong araw na ang nakalipas nang pumanaw ang kaibigan kong si Kune. Tatlong araw na rin akong tila pinaghehele-hele ng aking moods. Hindi ko alam kung nasaang kabanata ako ng stages of grief na sinasabi ni Dr. Ross. Ang alam ko lang, ang dali lang sabihin ng lahat.  Mahirap magdalamhati kapag mag-isa ka lang tumatangis sa malayong lugar. Ang alam ko rin, talking about what I feel makes me feel better. Sa mga nag-email, nagpadala ng messages sa Facebook, nag-text at tumawag, maraming salamat sa inyong lahat. May mga ilan sa inyo na hindi ko talaga ka-close pero nakiramay. Sobra akong na touch.

Ayaw ni Kune sa taong masyadong ma-emote. Naiinis sya. Kapag masyado na akong nagiging mushy, sasabihin nya: “Friend, O.A. na `yan. Kain na lang tayo para masaya.” Lagi din nya ako pinangangaralan kasi hindi raw ako marunong magalit. “Magalit ka nga,” sigaw nya. Magalit ka!!! Tingnan mo ako, mataray ako, pero nasa lugar.” Tapos magtatawanan kami.

Sorry Kune, pero di ko lang mapigil na mag-emote. Hamo, pipilitin kong patingkarin ang kulay ng aking buhay simula ngayon. Yan ang isang leksyon sa akin na natutunan ko sa ating 14 years of  friendship: ang iyong positive attitude, zest for life, and strong faith in God. Dadalas dalasan ko na rin ang paghalakhak at promise, magagalit na ako–kapag narating ko na ang anger stage of grief. At huwag kang mag-alala, gaya ng marami ay may anger issues din ako. Buti na lang at di ko naipakita sa yo dahil napakabait mo.

About pinoytaipeiboy

Pilipinong nagtatrabaho sa Taipei. Mahilig magbasa, magsulat, kumain, manood ng sine, gumala, maglakbay at matulog. Interesado sa milyon-milyong bagay.
This entry was posted in Personalities, Reflections, Relationships, Taiwan Life. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Ang 5 Kabanata ng Pagdadalamhati

  1. likhakho says:

    My sincerest condolences, Tito Ronald for the early demise of your dearest friend.

  2. sally says:

    sobrang naiiyak me rgm…parang nararamdaman ko ang na feel mo… keep on holding …ang hirap talaga ng andyan nasa malayo..but am sure your friend is happy now…di sya magiging maligaya kung di rin kayo happy for her….. keep busy para medyo maibsan ang iyong pagkalungkot

  3. maraming salamat, sally. ganun na nga ang ginagawa ko. nagpapaka-busy na lang. mag-e-email pala ako sa yo one time. may itatanong ako. thanks, again!

  4. bogodoy says:

    My condolences, Ronald, I don’t know Kune but from your description of her, I love her already. We’re not close but I’ve known about you since high school — one of the outstanding students of St. Bridget’s College. Tapos sa UPLB, we took the same course but we still didn’t get close. Fault is all mine. I’m not sociable.

    To get to my point…Thank you for initiating contact with me along with our other classmates. Otherwise I wouldn’t have known about your blog. Reading you has made my life richer and happier. We — Threchie, Lourdjean and I — talk about your blog in our e-mails. I am reading this blog now because Threchie said , “Did you read Ronald’s blog? ….” One time it was Lourdjean who told me, “Go to Ronald’s blog. Nakakaaliw.”

    When will I ever get to my point? I just want to say, Ronald, that we feel your pain. I pray God’s peace and comfort be upon you and Kune’s bereaved family and friends. I pray also that you’ll come to know that faith in God that can never be beaten by worldly worries, sicknesses, not even death. I think Kune has that kind of faith, am I right?

  5. Oh, my God, Joy! Sobra naman akong flattered sa mga sinabi mo. Am speechless, really. If reading my blogs has made your life richer and happier, then I might be doing something right. Sa totoo lang, this really started as an experiment which I learned to enjoy in the process. Salamat, salamat talaga. Yes, if my friend Kune were alive, ipapakilala ko sya sa yo. She’s a very active Christian who also helped me a lot in renewing my faith. Her strong faith in God has really shaken me. Take care always and please send my regards to Tretchie and Lourdjean. Yes, we were not close in college but I have very fond memories of the three of you. I didn’t know that the three of you read my blogs. Nakaka-pressure kayo. Hahaha.🙂

    • bogodoy says:

      I’ll take the credit for leading them to your blog site, You’re welcome.

      Nga pala, I forgot my other prayer for you. It’s that God will surround you with more friends like Kune anywhere you go, kahit online. I-count mo na kami nila Threchie at Lourdjean doon. They don’t make comments here, I guess. Pero sa e-mails namin, you’re often mentioned. Threchie said she LOL’d on that bathtub blog. Lourdjean loved The Biggest Gainer blog. So you lose Kune but God sends you many more of her multiplied many times over.

  6. thanks, again. am so glad that the three of you are still connected. hi tretchie and lourdjean if you are reading this. miss you all. do drop me a line if you have the time.🙂

  7. and thanks for your prayers, joy!

  8. T says:

    Hello,
    This is Threchie, classmate from college, who managed to remain anonymous for a number of years, until Joy came back into my life (just two months ago, I might add) and well, “Hello, blog world.”

    I was very touched by your tribute to your friend, Kune. I didn’t even know her but when I read what you wrote, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Weird, huh? Maybe it’s because I can relate to the kind of loss you are going through right now. I pray that when sadness hits — and it will at the weirdest time — that you will remember this:

    “For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands.” 2 Corinthians 5:1 New Living Translation

    She is with the Lord, her Savior, the One who died for her – and us. She sounds like a wonderful friend. I can’t wait to meet her on the other side.

    I enjoy reading your posts every morning. They are funny (yes, as Joy shared, the bubble bath one was hilarious and The Biggest Gainer, I can relate to the desire to throw the scale out the window), poignant (Paalam, Kune) and very informative (your various book and movie reviews – I think I’m going to live vicariously through you, especially the reading part).

    I also hope you find those bay leaves the next time you make your adobo. It’s really not complete without it, di ba? I read that you can find those over on Tihua Street. Also on Trinity Super Stores by the Taipei City Hall MRT Station, Exit #4. Not that I know personally. That’s just what Mr. Google told me.

    Keep writing, Ronald. Thank you for sharing your life with us. It’s nice to see you again, friend.

    • Hello, Tretchie! What a pleasant surprise. Thanks for finding me and for reading my blogs. It’s been a loooonnngg time. Nakaka-aliw naman itong blogging experience ko, I keep on rediscovering friends. Baka meron pa tayong classmate na pwedeng ma-kontak, mag reunion tayo dito sa aking blogsite. Hahahaha. Thank you also for liking my blog about my friend, Kune. Am still grieving. Her funeral is today, and obviously I won’t be there.

      Where are you now? Saan ka connected? Are you in FB? Maybe you can send me a message there.

      And thanks for researching about where to buy bay leaves here in Taipei. Ang sweet naman.

      Maraming salamat, ulit. Please keep in touch.:-)

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